A love letter to you ❤️

Today marks one year since I hugged you, kissed you and touched you for the last time. I told you I loved you and you said it back. I told you I would call you everyday… I didn’t. And that’s a pain and regret I will never get over. The last year has been the toughest and most tiring of my life, I can hardly remember it. There is always a pain in my chest, knowing you are no longer walking this earth. The gap you have left in our lives is indescribable. The love we have for you is indescribable.

This week I was on holiday, everyday I woke up thinking of you, how you would have loved the beaches, the steak, the excitement of a new place - then the sadness comes when I realise you can’t have these new experiences. The wave of grief comes at the most unexpected of times. When we were sitting having dinner in Croatia, I felt my sadness building. I tried to put it to the back of my mind all day but it suddenly became too overwhelming, I couldn’t find my breath, I couldn’t stop the tears. All of my love poured out for you in a small restaurant in Split. That’s what I need to remember, all this pain and longing is because you are so loved, I love you so much.

This year has taught me a lot. The amount of grief that’s in the world. The number of people who suffer with poor mental health, mental illness, loneliness, feeling lost…. Sadness really is everywhere. I am in awe of how you faced everyday. I hope I have an ounce of your bravery. I will be eternally proud to be your daughter and I will be eternally proud of you. I’m so proud to be made up of half of you and half of mum. Beautiful mum who I now see through different eyes and I believe was your guardian angel. I just wish you knew that this wasn’t the answer… there’s always hope and another road.

I promise I will always talk about you. I will always shine your light, talk about mental health, mental illness and suicide awareness.

I will love you forever and miss your little dances.

Ciara xxx